Audrielyn E. Ulloa

This isn't happening.

This isn't happening.

This... This isn't... This isn't happening. I am not hallucinating. I'm not! I'm not crazed. I'm not paranoid...

...or am I?

You are paranoid.

No, no. I'm not paranoid! I'm perfectly fine. My mind's OK. I'm thinking straight. And I've never killed anyone so why ---

You've done it. You've killed her. Don't say, "Never." You murdered an innocent woman. It's your fault.

No, no, NOOOO. It's not my fault. I didn't kill her. She started it even when we were kids. She'd pick on me. She'd copy from me. And never once has she apologized so she deserves to die.

Wait. So you admit that you did kill her? You killed your classmate. Am I right?

I didn't kill her. I only said that she deserves to die. There's a difference. And why am I even talking to myself? I must be crazy.

So you admit that you are crazy. You've lost your mind. Am I right?

NO! I have not lost my mind. I'm just... I'm probably tired. I must be hallucinating.

So you admit that you are hallucinating?

Well, I --- I don't know. Don't talk to me. Go away.

Go away? How can I go away? I am with you. I am you. The two of us? We're meant to be. We're inseparable. We're attached to each other. We're connected. Isn't that wonderful?

Oh, go away! Oh please! Just go away. You're not helping.

I'm trying to help you. I'm telling you that you are crazy for talking to yourself. And, yes, you are a murderer because that's the truth. You killed your friend out of jealousy, out of anger, out of stress and out of hatred. She apologized to you but you didn't forgive her, did you?

I don't know.

You don't know? You hurt her. You tortured her. You made her suffer for hours.

She made me suffer for years! I was 12. I was young. Oh gosh, I'm hallucinating. This has got to stop.

See? You admitted it!

OK, fine. I killed her. But she deserved it.

Did I? Did I deserve it?

Who said that? Who said that? Answer me.

I did. And I won't stop until I kill you, until the whole world goes against you, until you cry your hardest, until you bleed to death.

Hold on. How are you alive?

Oh, I am alive. I've been alive in your mind. That day when you stabbed me in my sleep, that day when you ended my life, that day when you cursed out my name, that day when you said it was my fault why you turned into this, I died but the memory of me will always be in your mind.

I'm hallucinating. I'm hallucinating.

You killed me! I said I was sorry. I went to your house to ask for forgiveness. I told you how guilty I was for ruining your life. It was my fault and I was sorry but... but you took my life. You are a soulless creature, a merciless human being. You killed me. You did. But in your eyes, in your mind, I'm alive. Here! I'm really alive!

Go away!

Oh, poor me. Poor us. See what you did? Is it so hard to tell the police? You know, she won't go away until you confess. What happened to you guys a few years ago - that was in the past.

But the past ruined my life. She ruined my life.

I didn't ruin your life. You did.

No, go away. These are just hallucinations. Go away! Stay away from me! Stay away! Stay away! I said stay away! These are just hallucinations! Hallucinations!

Hallucinations or not, you're a murderer. You dispatched me right after you stabbed me. I was asleep. But before that, I was in tears. I was sad because you wouldn't forgive me.

Do you expect me to believe you?


Well, I can't. You're dead and I will never be able to bring you back.

Because you killed her. That simple.

I killed her! Yes, I did. But she deserved it. I failed my exams because of her. I lost the game because of her. I didn't go to prom because of her. I will never forgive her.

Oh dear...

Like I said, these are just hallucinations! Stay away from me.

The cops are coming.

No, they can't... No. These are hallucinations. The cops aren't coming. They can't come.

They can come and they will come. You called them yourself. You confessed.

I don't want to go to jail! I'm scared.

So am I! But you did this to yourself.

I must be insane. I must be demented. I must be hallucinating.

Wait. Wait. What is that sound? My heart is pounding so fast. I'm so scared. Is it the cops? Oh no! No! The cops are here. I'm not hallucinating! I'm going to jail! No. No!


Audrielyn E. Ulloa

I hate it. I hate it so much. I hate that I have to do this. I hate that I have to do that. I hate that everyone is looking up at me, expecting me to solve every problem they're facing. I hate that I have to sacrifice all of my time for them, because of them and over them.

What did I do to deserve this? Am I not good enough? Am I not qualified to be pampered? Am I always the one who has to give up all of my vacancy to please everybody?

Look at me! This? This! This is the face of a dying breed, the kind that will die pretty soon. I'm tired of everything. I'm tired of all of you. I'm tired of my life.

I hate that I'm the one who always has to give an answer to a question that I don't even know. I hate that my classmates are always copying my answers in every exam. And every time I say no, my gosh, they would always beat me up.


I deserve so much.

None of you understand what I'm going through, where I'm coming from and why I act like this. When I'm in school, all of my friends pick on me. They hurt me.

Physically! Mentally! Emotionally!

Wait! Should I even call them friends? Huh! Some friends they are. I hate them so much.

When I'm at home, I'm responsible for the siblings my parents coerce me to take care of. Don't get me wrong. I love my siblings but my parents, my stubborn, inconsiderate parents, have turned me into a parent at such a young age. I have to help my brothers do their homework. I have to explain to my sisters the difficulties and the necessities of puberty. And how much sleep do I get when I'm done with them? Two hours! Two. Stinking. Hours.

That's not enough for someone who still has to study. I've got exams coming up. I've got projects that I need to pass. I don't know what to do with my life.

I hate it! I hate that I have to do everything for everyone. I hate that my dad can't find a decent job. I hate that my mom is so caught up with her "healing skills" that she doesn't want to take her driving test. And, just so you know, she has missed over 36 driving tests simply because she sees her so-called "career" as a benison. Someone has to drive! It sickens me!

It also sickens me when I have to rush around the streets at night to go look for my parents because I need them to sign my permission slip for me to go on field trips and activities which aren't in the school campus. My gosh, I'm tired. I'm stressed. I've been ran ragged. My classmates, my friends, the people around my school, even my neighbors for that matter, aren't helping.

What kind of classmates would humiliate you in front of your teacher? What kind of friends would ruin your whole school year because you told your teacher that they cheated?

It's the truth!

Why can't my neighbors leave us alone and stop gossiping about our lives? Why was I born to be this busy, this frustrated, this boiled, this locked, this pressured and this hurt?

I can't do this. I can't take this anymore. I hate it so much! I hate it!


Audrielyn E. Ulloa

I had to tell him, man. I had to. I needed to. It was time.

It was time for me to be honest about how I feel. That's why I did that. That's why I wrote that poem. That's why I gave it to him.

I can't take what I'm feeling for much longer. I simply had to tell him. I told him I loved him and didn't wait for him to say anything else because I knew what he was going to say. I knew that he would say no. I knew that he wasn't interested. He isn't interested. And he will never be interested.

I told him this:

"I've loved you for so long.
I don't know what else to say.
I feel that it is wrong
if I start with, 'Hey.'
Now, you know that you're the guy I was always referring to
and I'm sorry because I love you."

It was too much for me to handle. I simply had to declare it. Yes, I know I don't have the charms. I also know I don't have the body. But my love for him can last for eternity.

I love him. It was time for me to say it. It was time.

Yes, I understand that he's attracted to girls I don't have a chance with and that, my friend, is a painful thing to accept but I've learned to deal with it. I've learned not to mess with the other foot. I know my boundaries.

I know it.

I just know it.

But it was time for me to let out that girl who has been in love with him since the day I met him. I had to tell him that I needed him in my arms, that I needed to hear "I'm in love with you" rather than "I love you."

My life isn't perfect. The sea is prettier than me. The rainbow is more colorful than my heart. The sun is brighter than my eyes but that is me and that will always be me.

I never meant for things to get all awkward with us. I never meant for that to happen. But it wasn't my fault that I fell in love with him. I fell in love with the only classmate who actually remembers me, who actually cares for me, who actually considers me as his friend.

However, it was time.

I confessed. I was honest. I stopped lying for the sake of honesty and for the sake of our friendship. He was too good for me.

My friend, I love him so much. It's too bad he'll never love me. He'll never want me. He'll never care and he never will.

I am just the girl with the boring looks. I am short. But I am doing well in school. I am a stick-to-one person. So why can't he be attracted to me? Simple: because I am not good enough.

I am not that white. I am not that tall. I am not that skinny and I am not that clean. My family is pressuring me. I have anger issues. I don't know how to control myself.At least, I learned how to hold back my emotions when I'm around him.

At least, my intentions are clear and clean. I only want what's best for him. And if I'm not good enough, then I'M SORRY!

At least, I became really honest with him because that's what you wanted, right? For me to be honest to him? Right? My friend... My friend...

Right... Right...

Oh, who am I kidding? No one will ever love me. And even if I tried finding someone who becomes infatuated with me, I will not give him a try because that person isn't the guy I've fallen in love with. That person isn't the classmate I tried taking pictures of when he's not looking. That person isn't the guy of my dreams.

But... yes... my friend... it was time for me to tell him. It was time.


Audrielyn E. Ulloa

It was supposed to be a wonderful summer. I was so excited! My heart was pounding with great jubilant! My bags were packed. I was ready to go.

"I can't wait to go to Hawaii! Ugh! I'm so excited! I'm ready to explore Honolulu. Oh, Honolulu..."

By the time the plane landed, I was the first to get out. The whole family was smiling but I'm pretty sure I had the biggest smile you'll ever see.

The hotel was huge. Huge! Very huge! I tell you, huuuuge! When we got in our room, I was ready to go swimming. I grabbed my camera but then ---

"Can I come with you! Please? Mom wants to sleep. She's so exhausted."

"Uh, excuse me? Olivia, I'm also exhausted but I'm making today an exception since I really want to check out the beaches here in Honolulu. I want to swim. Now? Leave me alone. Stay here."

Ugh. The difficulties of having a little sister. I need a break. My trip here will help. This is Hawaii and I'm a photographer so it's important for me to go sightseeing.

I got in the nearest elevator. When I got out, I hurriedly went to the beach which was just in front of the hotel where my sister, mom and I are staying. This is going to be the best vacation ever.



"Olivia, what are you doing here?"

"I'm sorry but I was lonely. Mom was very sleepy. You can't leave me alone like that. By the way, are mom and dad getting a divorce?"

"What makes you say that?"

"Dad is never home. Does he even know where we are?"

"I'm pretty sure he does. Well, if you're coming with me, you better learn how to catch up."

"Got it!"

So we did go swimming. It was fun. We were both wet. Even my camera but that was OK. Suddenly, I saw mom walking our way with tears falling down her eyes. My sister and I went to her.

"Mom, why are you crying?"

"Let's go home."

"Huh? Where, mommy?"

"Yeah, good question, Olivia. Where, mom? Do you mean the hotel or home... home?"

"I mean, back home. Where we live. We're taking the next flight tonight. Pack your things."

"But, mom! You can't do this. It's only been a few hours."

Mom didn't listen though. We were forced to leave Hawaii. Oh, this beautiful place. I'm going to miss it. I'm going to miss Hawaii.

We got home several hours later. I didn't speak to mom for days. All I did was stay home and watch TV. Olivia wasn't allowed to play with her friends. Mom was acting weird. One day, mom went inside my room.

"Can I come in?"

I didn't respond. She got in anyways so there wasn't any point in replying.

"Are you mad at me?"

Am I mad at her? Why, yes, I am! She ruined my summer. I was very excited about going to Hawaii. But she... she... ugh!

"Look, I know I haven't been completely honest with you and I'm sorry. The reason why I shortened our trip was because of your dad. He and I - we're getting a divorce. I'm really sorry."

Then mom left. Great. Just perfect. My summer was ruined and now my parents are getting a divorce. My summer is ruined because my parents are getting a divorce. What more do I have to know?

A few days after mom confessed, she decided to go to the grocery store. I was left alone in the house with my little sister.

"I knew it mom and dad are getting a divorce. Why do they want to get a divorce? Did dad cheat on mom?"

"Not now, Olivia."

I went to my room, locked myself in and fell asleep. These past few days have been very frustrating. I don't even know why mom and dad are getting a divorce. OK? When I woke up, I heard someone shouting.


"They're my kids! I'm not going to hurt them."

"You can and you will. Don't blame anyone for your mistakes. You did this to yourself. Now please, get out. I SAID GET OUT!"

I went downstairs and saw mom, Olivia and... dad?


Dad! It's dad. It's dad. I was about ready to run to him and hug him but then ---

"Psst. Don't show yourself."

"Olivia? Why are you whispering?"

"Mom said dad was a beast. He wants to take us with him. I don't trust him anymore."

What was going on? Dad? A beast? Whaaat?

As soon as dad left, mom locked the front door. She saw us. She was crying.

"I want the two of you to stay away from him. Don't talk to him anymore. He's not your dad. He's a monster."

"Mom, do you mean an actual monster or you're describing him as a monster?"

Mom didn't speak. This was getting really creepy. I have goosebumps. I can promise you that.

"Just don't come near him."

"Is something wrong with him, mom?"

"He's dangerous."

A week later, dad came back. The door was open. Mom was asleep. Then Olivia and I noticed something different with dad. We were afraid. Dad smiled at us then he went to mom's room and killed her. He killed mom. He killed her. He killed her.

Dad went to us. He was still grinning.

"Why'd you kill mom?"

"She wouldn't let me see you."

"And why is that?"

"I did something crazy. I went hiking with my colleagues two months ago. There was an accident and I nearly died but I didn't die. No, I didn't. You see, someone cursed me and in order to live for eternity, I have to kill my family. It wasn't easy tracking you down but I found out you went to Hawaii. When I got there, you already left."

"I don't get it. Mom said you're getting a divorce."

"She said that? Hmmm. Interesting."

"What are you going to do now? Kill us?"

"Yes, I will."

Dad did kill us. He went first with Olivia then me. I didn't see this coming. I didn't know that I would lose my mom and my sister and that I'll die in vain. I do know something though.

My father is a monster.


Audrielyn E. Ulloa

The struggle is real. Indeed, it is.

I fell in love with someone I can't have. He's famous, has too many fans and is loved by a fandom.

I'm in the fandom. And I am so in love with him.

The thought of not being able to win his heart makes me want to cry. The thought of him not being able to notice my existence hurts to the point where I want to break down and cry.

The struggle is real. Indeed, it is.

I've loved him for years. I ignored the guys my friends told me are interested in me. I've locked my heart away and only one person can unlock it.

Only one person can win my heart.

Wait. He's already won it!

I know that the internet has a lot of rubbish stuff but sometimes I want to feel that it's real. I memorize his likes in a girl and the things he's afraid of. I have all his photos. I downloaded all of his songs yet I know I'm not the only one.

I'm afraid. Gosh, I'm afraid! What if he meets someone? What if they fell in love? What if they get engaged? What if they get married? And what if they spend their whole life together?

Ugh! The thought kills! The thought burns! The thought is painful! And the thought is hurting me!

I'm struggling to survive. I'm trying to ignore my what-if's because I know that I don't have a chance.

He won my heart so I'm going to keep my infatuation for him true and glued.

The struggle is real.

THE KNIFE (declamation)

THE KNIFE by Angel Grace Adem You! You! Yes I'm referring to you!  You wanted to know the truth or answer to your questions?   ...